At World's Edge

I spent the previous week on my first family vacation since we went to Quebec in the summer of two-thousand and three. This time we were too cool to pick just one place to vacation, so we visited not one but three popular tourist locations. They were

A. Colonial Williamsburg

B. Busch Gardens

C. Virginia Beach

Now you have to decide which of them I'm going to write about. Finished? Okay, the correct answer is "none," because I'm not writing, I'm typing. You might even say I'm blogging, but I'm not sure if I like that made-up verb. Anyway I'm going to type/blog (blype? tyog? is every typer a blogger? is every blogger a typer? come on, your ACT grade depends on this) about number C, the Beach of Virginia, ostensibly the longest pleasure beach in the known universe.

Virginia Beach is massive, full of half-clad people with an affinity for UV rays, and guarded by a colossal statue of Neptune. Except for the latter, that's generally what you'd expect from a beach, right? Yesss. Anyway I'm not going to talk more about the beach because we did exactly what everyone does at the beach: swim not more than 50 meters from the shore and get mad sunburns. I assume that's what everyone with my complexion does, anyhow.

Instead I'm going to talk about one of those things that no beach in the USA is complete without: the Beach Souvenir Shop. If one removed all of the dollar stores and gas station gift shelves from the earth, these would be the tackiest places on the planet. I have compiled a list in my head, soon to be in your head, of the things (besides standard beach equipment) that beach souvenir shops must have in order to qualify:

1. Several shelves of cheap, ceramic sculptures of dolphins; mermaids; pirates; or any combination of the above three

2. White t-shirts displaying, in various degrees of discreteness, any of the following subjects: location of the beach one is staying at; displays of one's ability to woo and take advantage of the opposite sex; aptitude to become intoxicated; aptitude to woo and take advantage of the opposite sex while intoxicated; one's identity as a pirate; one's disregard for anything another human being may have to say; misogyny; misandry; misanthropy.

3. Novelty beach towels of varying sizes containing any of the following: dragons; the sun; sharks; dolphins; jolly rogers; females of the centerfold variety; large felines.

4. Large amounts of pirate-related paraphernalia.

5. Shot glasses. Possibly displaying any of the subjects listed under "T-shirts."

6. Various articles of clothing displaying brands of alcoholic beverages.

The above are required to created the barest of minimums for a beach souvenir shop. A couple of other things really add to the tack, however:

-Dead sea creatures, whole or in part, in displayable modes IE a shark in a jar or a head of a small alligator.

-Free hermit crabs! Of course they are only free with the purchase of a tank, shell, food...

-Alcoholic beverages.

I spent more time in beach souvenir shops than I ever have at VA beach, mostly because I was looking for a really sweet novelty beach towel to take home with me. Like, something with ninjas or dinosaurs or a dancing skeleton or maybe a castle. Of course, none of these subjects were represented in anything I could find and I eventually gave up. Instead I decided I would buy a hermit crab and smuggle it into my dorm come the school season. I haven't actually gotten one yet, but the time is coming...